Anxiety, Meet Baby #3

After having Rex, we were at a routine well baby visit when the doctor suggested that maybe I was experiencing some post partum depression, and suggested I speak to my doctor about it. I was insulted, I was pissed. I'm not sure why, but I just knew that I was not Depressed. I was a little weepy, but my hormones were plummeting, my baby was colicky and I was sleep deprived. I was not depressed. 

Turns out I was right, I wasn't depressed, I was anxious. I was full of anxiety over the new bundle of joy, and spent most of my time worrying about all the catastrophic things that could happen to him. I freaked out if I couldn't get the house cleaned properly each day, and spent a lot of my time wound up. It wasn't diagnosed then however. It wasn't until 12 months later after the birth of sweet little Abraham that I figured it out. I had developed some pretty severe OCD tendencies that all centered around the boy's stuff. From bottles and cups, to toys and puzzles, I was insane. Every piece that belonged to an item had to accompany it. If I lost a bottle cap, Lord have mercy. That bottle would be on its way to the trash bin if said bottle cap wasn't located ASAP. It was exhausting. It was probably frustrating as hell for my husband, though he never let on. (He's awesome) 

So, I decided to see a therapist, and was immediately diagnosed with Post Partum Anxiety. It was nice to know I wasn't alone, I wasn't crazy and all this insane behavior had a name. But it didn't make me hate it any less. I wasn't interested in taking anti anxiety medication, I wanted to be all natural with treatment. Boy was I a dummy. I took Zoloft, then decided it wasn't for me, went the natural 5HTP route and felt much better. Not perfect by any means, but I wasn't drowning anymore. I still had a fair amount of anxiety about the house and boys, but it was manageable and my OCD had all but taken a hike. 

Fast forward to my third pregnancy. In the last few months I knew I didn't ever want to feel as stressed out and utterly helpless as I had after Abe was born. This time I would be prepared, I would enjoy every minute of having a new baby in the house. So I saw my therapist, started Zoloft again, and prepared for the arrival of sweet baby Oscar. I started the Zoloft about 2 weeks before he was set to arrive and it has been the best decision I have made yet as a mother. That person that couldn't stand to just sit on the couch with her first two children, now naps comfortably with arms wrapped tightly around her baby boy. I regularly choose nap with baby over bottle cleaning, laundry and bed making. It is glorious. I may be a little messier now, we may be left worrying 5 minutes before dinner needs to be on the table what on earth we will cook, but I am happier. I am zen. The hub's frustration may now be that I'm a slob, I don't really know.   I doubt it, but even if he is frustrated with his wife that is less than gung-ho to clean, o-well. This lady is loving her time with her babies now. And cherishing every minute, taking it all in. I will not be left feeling like O's first year was a blur, and I am so thankful for that. I wish I had known all of this before Rex was born, I'd have started my medicine before he arrived and maybe I'd feel less like I failed him in that first year. At least now I have the opportunity and a clear head to make up for it. I can be with all three of my boys and really enjoy my time. And that is an amazing blessing. 

Mommy/Baby Naptime. It's my favorite.